


Baby Don’t Cut

by markuriii



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Bullying, Character Death, Depression, Gangs, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 09:17:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17241605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markuriii/pseuds/markuriii
Summary: Saying to himself that it's his fault and that he let it up."Baby, I thought you made a promise you would never cut."Song fic: Baby Don't Cut - B MikeIf you know this song, then you definitely know what this story is going to be about.This has death, bullying, assault(-ish) and graphic descriptions of self harm. Please, if you are affected by any of this don't read it.And always remember, if you are suffering, you will have someone to help you. Please don't give up, you are worth it.





	Baby Don’t Cut

Yoon Jeonghan is a 17-year-old Korean male, he was born in Seoul and lived there until he turned 16. He was an incredibly skinny boy, making normal sized shirts baggy on him and giving him a lanky sort of appearance. He had long silver hair and could be mistaken for a girl from behind because of this. During the boy's life in Seoul, he was teased and bullied by other boys and girls alike, for being too weak, for being too feminine, for being smart, for being quiet, for being "gay" even though he never actually came out but they just assumed, he got teased for being overweight, and yet when he stopped eating, he got teased for being too bony. Nothing he did could satisfy the peers around him, not even his family thought highly of him.

When the bullying switched from verbal to physical, his parents finally gave in and moved down to Daegu, but the longhaired boy didn't change. He had spent too long hating himself, torturing himself, he couldn't just stop. Everything those kids said to him was forever embedded in his head, in his heart and in his scars. The district of Dalseo didn't treat him much different anyway, he got weird looks, people whispering about him when he walked past. He was the new boy, a freak, someone for the thugs of the streets to play with.

 

"Hey princess, you got a minute?" A deep voice hummed, Jeonghan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, all he wanted was to buy the groceries for dinner like his mum told him too, why can't he just be left alone for one hour? He'd only been here for two weeks.

"Not practically, can it wait for someone else?" Jeonghan looked over his shoulder from where his body stood to face the vegetables on the shelves. He recognised the man behind him, he was around Jeonghan's age, maybe a little older. He called himself Honey, not very threatening if you ask Jeonghan. Honey was the first person to willingly go up to the longhaired boy, yet instead of greeting him like a human being, the other male manhandled him like he was examining a packet of strawberries to make sure they were all ripe. Jeonghan had yelled and hit the man until he let go, Honey had proceeded to question what kind of creature he was and if he needed help.

"Oh, but you know I save my energy just for you." Honey snickered, putting a hand on the longhaired boy's shoulder, which the other immediately tried to shake off, but the bigger man just tightened his hold. Jeonghan knew not to fall for Honey's wordplay, he sounded nice, but that was it. His head and heart were that of a monster, everyone knew not to let this man pull you in, he would break you down, piece by piece until you were vulnerable enough for him to strike. Honey was the top dog of Dalseo, it was his and his other six group members to control. If they got you, they could do whatever they wanted with you, you were basically owned by them and if you don't obey them, they kill you, simple as that.

"I've told you to stay away from me." Jeonghan glared, grabbing onto Honey's wrist that was still connected to his shoulder. "And I have told you to not call me princess, I am not a woman." The longhaired boy stated, he was about to lose his cool, Honey has never hung around him this long and the grip on his shoulder was getting tighter, that wasn't good, he was getting mad.

"Yeah well, unnatural things bring out the curiosity in people. You should be used to this, no? People staring, judging with their eyes, plainly avoiding you? You should thank me, when was the last time someone touched you, huh?" Honey took a step closer, invading the longhaired boy's personal space. Jeonghan scoffed and tried to step away but Honey yanked him back by the arm. "You have no one. Don't you want this? You get a place to stay, money, and people to call family." Honey growled, Jeonghan was starting to wonder why no one was helping, he wasn't that bad, was he? Did people wholeheartedly feel disgusted towards him?

"Why do you want me so bad? What use could I have to you and your groupies?" The longhaired boy looked at Honey, he was indeed a horrible person, but he wasn't struggling, he wasn't depressed, wasn't crumbling in his own self-hate, how could someone so grotesque actually think they were worth the ground they walked on.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" A third and unfamiliar voice attracted Jeonghan's attention. Both males turned their heads and saw a boy marching up to them, he was Jeonghan's height, probably a bit taller, and he had a mop of fluffy black curls atop his head. The boy seemed fit, if the loose muscle shirt he was wearing that exposed his toned arms had anything to say about it, the third party had his gaze locked onto Honey, and took long strides to reach the pair faster. Once the boy was in arms distance of them, he grabbed a hold of Honey's arm and forcefully removed it from Jeonghan's, instantly settling himself in between the two, as if protecting Jeonghan from the bigger male.

"You're one of Choi's boys right?" Honey mumbled, his eyes seeming to analyse the boy in front of him.

"What's that got to do with anything? I asked you a question." The boy fired back. Jeonghan just stood there dumbly, who was this? And why were they trying to get themselves killed?

"Listen, man, I could have your life ruined with the snap of my finger, but your dad is my best buyer, so I'm going to let you off the hook this time. But if you _ever_ interrupt my conversations again I will not hesitate." Honey scoffed, he looked back at Jeonghan for a second then back to the boy, giving a sharp glare before turning on his heel and leaving the store. The boy turned around to face the longhaired boy, looking him over once then locking their eyes again.

"Are you okay?" Was all he said.

"Yeah... I'm fine." Jeonghan looked suspiciously at the other male. "Why did you do that? Who are you?"

"That guy is no good, don't listen to a thing he says. I'm Seungcheol by the way, Choi Seungcheol. I assume you're new here?" The boy smiled and stuck his hand out for Jeonghan to shake.

"Yoon Jeonghan... Yeah I am, but usually, people stay far away from me, so why are you talking to me?" The longhaired boy hesitated but eventually shook Seungcheol's hand in greeting.

"Honestly?" The raven-haired boy grinned, tilting his head sideways as he scratched his nape sheepishly, he then leaned in a little closer so Jeonghan could hear him when he spoke quietly. "I think you're pretty cute, I want to get to know you Jeonghan." Seungcheol hushed, stepping back with a cheeky grin toying on his lips. Jeonghan stared at him with surprised eyes, having to blink a few times before he came back to his senses, when he realised that the boy in front of him was not fucking him over, the longhaired boy let a tiny shy smile slip through.

"So, what? You want a phone number or something?" Jeonghan mumbled, looking down to his feet, missing the way Seungcheol's face lit up.

"I would love one." He said, taking his own phone to open contacts and then held it out for the longhaired boy. Jeonghan chuckled quietly and copied the other male's actions, the two creating their contact in each other's phone.

 

Fast forward a year, Jeonghan was laying down on his bed, Seungcheol on the floor leaning against the bed frame. The longhaired boy never thought that within just a few months of knowing Seungcheol, that the two would have hit it off as well as they did. Seungcheol was not afraid to show his affection for the younger, he would compliment him often, take him out on dates and buy him little gifts. Jeonghan had come to the conclusion that he was in love with this boy, he didn't care if it was "too soon", he didn't need any more time to know Seungcheol was his light, his buoy to keep him floating even if the waves were getting rough. And he knew the raven-haired boy loved him just as much.

But even with all the love Seungcheol could give, it wasn't enough to block out the hate. No matter where he went, people just wouldn't accept him, they hated him, despised him. He was disgustingly thin, bones sticking out unnaturally, he still had the long hair, but his natural colour had come through, changing silver to brown. Jeonghan was still weak, still quiet and he just let what happened happen, he couldn't stand up for himself, and he never dared tell Seungcheol what they did to him, what they said to him. No one knows of the two's real relationship, they have seen them talk but they didn't know, they couldn't know. Jeonghan couldn't do that to his boyfriend, he wouldn't let the raven-haired boy go through what he does. Seungcheol is popular, he is good at sports, good with words, quite smart, and incredibly friendly. Girls wanted him, boys wanted to be him. If the school even got the slightest suspicion the rave haired boy was attracted to boys, everything he worked so hard for would be torn down in an instant. Jeonghan would not let that happen.

So, the younger took every beating, he took every word and just kept going, there wasn't anything else he could do. Of course, it affected him, he would shut himself in his bathroom and just break down, until there were no tears left to cry. He had to start wearing long-sleeved shirts constantly. He never gained any weight, no matter how much Seungcheol tried to feed him. He wanted to cut his hair, he didn't know how much longer he could take being called anything other than his real gender, but Seungcheol loved his long hair, he didn't want to upset his boyfriend. In front of the older boy, Jeonghan was content, he would lie about his day all the time, it was enough to hide the ugly feeling in his guts, even if just for a moment. he loved Seungcheol, he really did. Seungcheol made him happy, he could genuinely smile and laugh with the raven-haired boy, but as soon as he left for the night, Jeonghan was reminded of everyone else, left with dread and pain eating him from inside out.

It got so bad at one point that when he had bumped into Honey on the street, he had bought a capsule of tablets from him. He didn't care what they were, as long as they did their job. Jeonghan had shut himself in his bathroom that night, just staring at the container filled with little drugs which, if he took enough, could free himself from this place. Yet before he had the chance to open the capsule, he heard footsteps bounding up the stairs and then the voice of his boyfriend calling for him. Jeonghan hid the container and splashed his face with water, emerging from the bathroom and smiling at his boyfriend. The longhaired boy had told Seungcheol that he wasn't feeling well, so here they were, Jeonghan staring at his roof emotionless and Seungcheol leaned against the bed. The older boy glanced up at his boyfriend, then slowly moved his hand to entwine their fingers together, only to have Jeonghan rip his hand away. Surprised, Seungcheol sat up and turned towards the other.

"Hannie?" He questioned, he went to hold the other's hand again, only to get the same reaction, the younger boy turned his head away from his boyfriend. Jeonghan wanted nothing more than to hold Seungcheol's hand, but he was so disgusted in what he almost did to himself that he couldn't bear to look at the boy beside his bed, afraid to fall apart in front of him. "Angel, what's wrong?" Seungcheol questioned, he shifted so he was now sitting on the side of the bed, reaching out for the other, yet still, the longhaired boy used his arm to block the older's attempts.

"Nothing is wrong, I'm-"

"H-Hannie... what are those...?" Jeonghan furrowed his brows and turned his head to see what his boyfriend was looking at. The sight of Seungcheol staring defeatedly at his wrists where the sleeves had ridden up shook Jeonghan to his core. He quickly sat up and pulled his arms to his chest, tugging the sleeves down. "Jeonghan no... no no no no no no no, please _god_ tell me that isn't what I think it is." When the only response was a little sob escaping Jeonghan's lips, Seungcheol broke. He just started bawling, his love was in this much pain and he never knew. "Oh god, Baby why? Why would you do this to yourself? Please don't do this." The raven-haired boy pleaded, placing his hand gently on the younger's knee.

"I-It's the only wa-ay I feel in control of myself... my head is a mess Cheol I-I can't handle it." Jeonghan's sobs come out harder, he furiously tries to wipe away the tears with his sleeves but more take their place.

"How long has it been since you felt like this?" Seungcheol holds his hand out carefully, asking silently to look at the scars that were buried into his boyfriend's wrists.

"Since forever, I've never been accepted into society Cheol, everyone out there hates me." Jeonghan mumbles, with a dead chuckle tacked on the end. He looks at Seungcheol's outstretched hand and slowly moves one of his arms out in front of him for the older to take. The raven-haired boy gently rolls the sleeve up to Jeonghan's bicep and his heart shatters. There, scattered across the entire expanse of the younger's arm are white scars. Old ones, new ones, little scratches and large wounds, some even overlapping each other, Seungcheol didn't even need to ask if the other arm looked the same, he already knew.

"Baby please promise me you'll never cut again. I know, I know I don't know what it feels like to do this, I don't know the kind of pain you must be feeling but you don't have to go through this alone. You're hurting Hannie, bad, really bad. But that blade can't make it better, it just makes it worse. I know I don't have first-hand experience to what you're going through, but please, you can do anything else, but just promise me you won't cut." The raven-haired boy locked his eyes with Jeonghan's, both their eyes were still a little teary and puffy, but Seungcheol wouldn't let that stop him from trying to reach out to his love.

"C-Cheol, I don't think I can-"

"You can, I know you can. Believe in yourself Hannie, please promise me." The two stayed just looking at each other for a few seconds, the younger eventually broke the gaze and nodded his head.

"I promise."

 

Jeonghan smiled softly to himself as he thought of his boyfriend while walking down the school corridor. He was so lucky, he had the most amazing boy anyone could ask for. He was feeling better than yesterday, having talked things out and cuddled with Seungcheol all night had really boosted his mental state. The longhaired boy continued to walk to his classroom, already used to ignoring people and being ignored on his way to class. He didn't share this subject with his boyfriend, unfortunately, but the next period he did, so he assumed he could make it through this and then be fine during the next class.

He was wrong. As soon as he entered the classroom, someone barged past him and knocked all of his books and stationery out of his hands. The person didn't even bother to help as the whole class laughed and threw insults at him, some flying bits of paper even hit him. He took a breath to compose himself, his mood instantly had gone back down to zero, he was really, really struggling to keep his head up now. As he walked to his desk he heard a few girls muttering, usually, he would completely ignore gossip girls, but he heard his boyfriend's name and instantly zoned in.

"Why does Seungcheol talk to him again?" The first girl deadpanned, raising a brow at her friends.

"I heard they were childhood friends, and now Seungcheol just kind of feels obliged to at least speak to it." The second girl snickers.

"Poor Cheol, he has to force himself to talk to a fag." A third girl sighs, resting her head on her hand.

"Don't worry girls," The first speaks again, leaning back in her chair. "The guy is just a charity case to Seungcheol now, he'll get over his nice act soon." Jeonghan was shaking, a charity case? Did Seungcheol think of him as a charity case? He had to get out of here, he had to end this. The longhaired boy discreetly packed up all his things, and took his phone out of his pocket, sending a quick text to his boyfriend.

_I_ _love_ _you_ _with_ _my_ _body_ , _heart_ _and_ _soul_ _to_ _death_ , _Choi_ _Seungcheol_. Jeonghan watched as the little dots that meant Seungcheol was typing appeared.

_I_ _love_ _you_ _too_ , _baby_. _More_ _than_ _anything_. And that was all he needed.

At the first chance he could get, Jeonghan asked to leave for the bathroom. As soon as he left the room, Jeonghan paced down the hallway, rubbing away the water building up in his eyes. The boy exited the school building and didn't stop walking until he got to his house. His parents weren't home, that was good. Jeonghan unlocked the door and pushed his way inside, he dropped his bag on the floor and marched all the way up to his bathroom. He stopped and looked at his reflection, picking out every flaw and imperfection he could find. Jeonghan burst out into tears, all his life, he had wondered when this day would come. When he would give up.

He opened up his cupboard, reaching past the still full capsule all the way to the back until he felt cold metal touch his fingers. Carefully the longhaired boy pulled out the sharpener blade, it was nothing big, but it worked, he watched it shine in the light of his bathroom and smiled a tiny smile. He was ready. The boy moved so he was standing in his bathtub, he slowly sat down into a more comfortable position, well, as comfortable as a bathtub could get. He looked at his feet propped up on the other side of the tub, moving his ankles a little before he turned his attention back to the blade in his hand.

In a fit of desperation, Jeonghan began to unceremoniously hack away at his hair, he could only cut off little bits at a time but nothing to him felt better, he watched as the clumps of hair fell from his shoulders and landed around his torso. His head felt so light, no longer carrying the weight of thick long hair, he didn't care what it looked like now, he assumed it was all choppy and uneven, but that wasn't his concern anymore.

Jeonghan started to remember every insult ever thrown at him, ever object aimed at him, automatically, he brought the blade closer to his wrist. Was he really going to break his promise to Seungcheol this soon? Seungcheol... _the_ _guy_ _is_ _just_ _a_ _charity_ _case_ _to_ _Seungcheol_ _now_. Jeonghan screamed and harshly forced the mental into his skin, pushing it in deep and dragging it up viciously, the boy wailed and yelled and cried as he did this over and over, switching arms at one point, he can't remember through the blissful feeling of relief. Jeonghan kept slashing until he couldn't anymore, his arms holding no strength, he leaned his head back and his fingers limply let go of the blade. He looked at the light on the bathroom roof, giggling to himself as his vision danced with specks of darkness flickering around, he felt empty, but light, like his body was floating. He felt peaceful.

 

Seungcheol blinked when his phone vibrated in his pocket, he took it out and smiled at what he saw.

_I_ _love_ _you_ _with_ _my_ _body_ , _heart_ _and_ _soul_ _to_ _death_ , _Choi_ _Seungcheol_. Jeonghan was a sweetheart, he hoped he was doing alright.

_I_ _love_ _you_ _too_ , _baby_. _More_ _than_ _anything_. He quickly sent back.

He had to admit that it was quite random of his boyfriend to send that to him out of the blue, but he had the next class with him, so he could just ask the other then. When the bell finally did ring, Seungcheol quickly made it to his classroom, but when he noticed his boyfriend not there he frowned. Jeonghan was always there first, his class was next door. Confused, and a little concerned, Seungcheol walked to the next room to check if Jeonghan was just packing his stuff away still, but when there was no trace of him there either his gut sank. Something was wrong. Seungcheol started running, he didn't listen to the people calling his name, he ran as fast as he could down the corridor, pushing and shoving through people who didn't move for him. The raven-haired boy crashed through the front entrance of the school, but that didn't stop him, he kept running.

Jeonghan, Jeonghan, Jeonghan. That's all that he could think of as he sprinted to his boyfriend's house. When he got there and saw the front door open, but no cars parked out front, he feared the worst. No, he wouldn't do that to him, he wouldn't break his promise. Seungcheol panted as he speed-walked through the house, frowning at the school bag that had been discarded on the floor, Seungcheol placed his own bag down and jogged up the steps to Jeonghan's room, pushing the already ajar door open and peeking inside, no one in the bedroom, he looked to the bathroom door and quickly strides over.

He hastily barges in, but what he saw almost made him throw up on the spot. There he was, the love of his life, laying in a bath of his own blood. Seungcheol shrieked in agony, rushing over and putting his arm around the younger's shoulder, trying to sit him back up.

"Jeonghan!" Nothing. " _Jeonghan!_ " Seungcheol screamed, resting his boyfriend's head against his chest as he fished his phone out of his pocket. Rushing to call an ambulance. Once they were on their way, Seungcheol cried and cried, patting his lover's matted hair. "Baby, Baby come on, stay awake." The older boy cried, he noticed Jeonghan's eyes moving, but that only made it worse, they were rolling back, he was losing him. "Why didn't you stop!? Why didn't you stop!?" He screeched, Seungcheol put an arm under his boyfriend's knees, pulling him up and out of the bloodied bathtub. The raven-haired boy just didn't stop crying and mumbling to himself as he carried Jeonghan downstairs. Just as he got to the bottom, the paramedics rushed in and took the unconscious boy from him, yet Seungcheol didn't leave his side, climbing into the back of the ambulance without permission, they didn't have time to argue with him.

Nurses and doctors rush in right away when the doors to the vehicle open, dragging Jeonghan out on a stretcher, he still hadn't stopped bleeding, all Seungcheol could see was red, all he could smell was copper. A woman guided him out of the ambulance and to the waiting room. The tears never stopped rolling over his cheeks, he had nothing to say, all he could do was cry and wish that his love will be okay.

He doesn't know how long it has been now, he was starting to lose hope, time didn't stop, it just kept going. According to the clock it had been an hour or so, Seungcheol didn't know, he just felt numb, empty, lifeless. Faintly, he heard his name being called, with a furrowed brow, he slowly lifted and looked at the doctor standing in front of his seat.

"What is it?" Seungcheol rasped out. His throat was dry and scratchy from crying non-stop with no water to sooth it. The doctor had a sour look on his face, obviously not about to share good news.

"Excuse me for the words I'm about to say, but, I'm sorry for your loss-" The doctor couldn't even finish his sentence before Seungcheol violently threw himself forward and began to cry all over again, he didn't know how he still had any tears left but he did know is that his heart was officially crushed. He was in pain, everything hurt, he should have done something! He should have been there! If he just stayed home that day like Jeonghan asked his boyfriend would still be here. He would be in Seungcheol's arms and they would watch movie after movie. Seungcheol gripped his hair tightly, screaming to himself inside his head.

Quickly, the raven-haired boy got up and started running out the doors of the hospital. For the second time that day Seungcheol sprinted down Dalseo's streets, yet this time with no destination. He ran until he physically couldn't, collapsing onto his knees and just outright wailing in grief. He cried so much he threw up stomach acid onto the sidewalk, he was broken down into a coughing, spluttering mess. All Seungcheol could think about was Jeonghan. The picture of his boyfriend's arms completely sliced open, just sitting in a pool of his own blood would be embedded in his brain forever.

When Seungcheol had finally calmed down enough to get his breathing right, the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes were shoes. Confused, the raven-haired boy lifted his head up, slowly letting his senses come back to him as he focused on the person standing in front of him.

"H-Honey?" He chocked out, tilting his head. The man in front of him grinned down at him.

"Hello, Choi. What's got you so wrecked?" Honey asked, he crouched down to get on the younger boy's level. Seungcheol just looked at him, why was he talking to him? He was a mess right now. "I saw you bolt out of that hospital rather fast, I can assume I know what's wrong, but I want you to tell me." Honey straighten back up, then held a hand out to the boy on the ground. "Come on, come with me, I'll get you some food and we can talk about it. What do you say?" Honey smiled, it was warm, almost caring. Seungcheol felt his guard drop a little, he knew what Honey was offering. He contemplated, what did he have to lose? His parents had other children, the school would get over him, yeah he was smart but he didn't have a career path in front of him. And Jeonghan, he lost the absolute light of his life, the only person he felt himself around. Really? What could be important enough to say no?

"...Okay." Seungcheol whispered, he held out his hand and as soon as he felt Honey grab him and pull him up, he knew how he was going to spend the rest of his life. He did it, he made a deal with the devil. Yet Jeonghan never left his heart, every night Seungcheol would stare at the bracelet he bought his boyfriend a few months ago for his birthday, he would roll it around in his hand and just scream at himself internally,

 

 

That it's his fault, and that he let it up.

 

 

" _Baby,_ _I_ _thought_ _you_ _made_ _a_ _promise_ _you_ _would_ _never_ _cut."_


End file.
